LOS ANGELES — Disney executives made a stunning announcement today when they revealed that the highly-anticipated Camp Rock sequel, entitled ‘Camp Rock: The Final Jam,’ will take place at Camp Crystal Lake. Movie buffs know Camp Crystal Lake as the site of the ‘Friday the 13th’ series, where deranged serial killer Jason Voorhees slaughters his unsuspecting victims.
“We thought it would be fun to mix it up a little,” an anonymous Disney exec told Beyond the Mouse. “So I said, hey, how about we put the kids in a camp with a bloodthirsty killer. He can kill off some of the characters and sing a few musical numbers with the cast.”
No word if Demi Lovato’s character will have her head chopped off in the movie, but sources are saying that the Jonas Brothers are almost certain to find themselves hanging lifelessly from cabin closets, pools of fresh blood beneath their feet.
“We realize it’s a controversial idea,” the executive told us, “but we feel that it’s important to stop condescending to kids and start desensitizing them early on. It’s a cautionary tale. They need to know that any one of them could be the victim of a heinous chainsaw killing at any time, whether they’re at school trying to study, at home trying to sleep, or at Chuck E Cheese just trying to have a good time.
“In today’s world you are never, ever safe, and kids need to be constantly thinking about that.”
As I reported earlier, many people are worried about the spread of Swine Flu–also known as the dreaded H1N1 virus, which oddly sounds much scarier–in large, crowded places like Disney World. To combat this problem, Disney has just installed hand sanitizers across the park, this according to the Orlando Sentinel.
But combating a dangerous, fast-spreading and highly-contagious ailment like swine flu will take more than an occsaional squeeze from a hand sanitizer tube. Here are some tips for staying healthy at the Magic Kingdom.
1) Try to acquire a powerful stomach flu before arriving. Your constant, explosive vomiting will make other park visitors eager to stay far away from you, thus giving you less exposure to their swine flu.
2) Ride the Peter Pan ride over and over until you breathe in enough pixie dust to protect you from swine flu, tuberculosis, gun shot wounds and anything else that may come your way while enjoying the Magic Kingdom.
3) Try to find the Big Bad Wolf and stick close to him. The Big Bad Wolf knows a thing or two about dealing with swine.
4) Children are the most likely to spread airborne illness, so make yourself a human child repellent. Perhaps a nice t-shirt that says “I Killed Mickey” or “Fun Police.”
5) Arrive at a time when the park is less crowded, such as 3am. This may require the use of a jet pack or a grappling hook.
6) Try to find the genie from Aladdin, and wish for everyone else in the park to have explosive diarrhea. They’ll spend so much time in the restroom, you will be completely undisturbed by their viruses.
7) If a witch offers you a poisoned apple, eat it! Swine flu will be the least of your problems.
NEW YORK — An Arab immigrant is suing the Federal Aviation Adminstration after a recent incident at La Guardia Airport. The plaintiff, known only as Jafar, claims that he was harassed and interrogated after being selected for a random baggage check while preparing to board a flight.
“I have clearly been the victim of racial profiling and discrimination,” Jafar told the Associated Press. “I only wished to be left alone so I could embark upon my flight to Minnesota to meet my Internet girlfriend. But alas, before I even passed the x-ray machine, I found myself accosted by unworthy airport security guards, who began asking me absurd questions like ‘Where is Osama bin Laden?’ and ‘Weren’t you on an episode of 24?’”
The security guards have a much different account, however. They claim that Jafar became belligerent with an airline employee because she couldn’t upgrade him to first class, and several witnesses claim that at one point, he even threatened to decimate the entire Starbucks staff after having to wait more than five minutes for a Frappuccino.”He was incredibly difficult from the beginning,” said one guard, “and on top of that, his passport was a fake. Said he came from some place called ‘Agrabah,’ which quite simply doesn’t exist.”
However Jafar’s attorney, F. Lee Baily, contends that these accusations are baseless. “This is just classic racial profiling,” he said in a press conference. “I dream of a day when people will judge my client by his character, and not by his appearance, nor by the fact that he has attempted to enslave the entire world on more than one occasion.”
Professional socialite Kim Kardashian turned heads over the weekend by wearing not one, but TWO Halloween costumes modeled after Disney princesses (in various states of undress). Kardashian took the streets as both Princess Jasmine and Snow White (not at the same time; that would be impressive), and the blogs and celebnews sites have been abuzz ever since.
Personally, I love it when people pay tribute to Disney icons, whether in Goofy ears or Harem Girl Jasmine attire, but sadly there won’t be a Princess Kim movie any time soon. I love Kim Kardashian, but here are ten reasons why she will probably never be a real Disney princess.
10. Nobody loves a Malibu princess. Because people are just jealous.
9. If Kim becomes a princess, then her two sisters will want to be princesses too. Next thing you know, the Enchanted Forest is absolutely infested with Kardashians.
8. Cinderella’s godmother is a fairy. Kim Kardashian’s godfather is OJ Simpson.
7. Disney princesses are not permitted to appear on reality TV shows, ever since Princess Aurora’s infamous racist tirade on The Surreal Life (our apologies to the French).
6. If Kim Kardashian were to sing “Someday My Prince Will Come,” it would take on a whooooole new meaning.
5. Aurora starred in the timeless “Sleeping Beauty;” Jasmine starred in the critically-acclaimed “Aladdin;” Kim Kardashian starred in the aptly-named “Disaster Movie.”
4. Disney princesses are meant to appeal to 8-year-old girls…not 14-year-old boys.
3. Did I mention that OJ is her godfather?
2. Do you want YOUR pre-teen daughter wearing a Kim Kardashian costume for Halloween?
1. Two words: SEX TAPE. That’s right. Her sex tape didn’t include a single song-and-dance number, therefore it’s clearly not Disney material.
ANAHEIM — Famed cartoon curmudgeon Donald Duck was arrested today after authorites received obscenity complaints from several guests at the Disney Resort in Anaheim. “It just sickens me,” said Mary Ballard, who filed one of the formal complaints. “You can’t even take your kids to Disneyland anymore without having to see this smut.”
The complaints stemmed from the fact that the duck was completely exposed from the waist down, wearing only a shirt and a hat. When police apprehended him, he reportedly became belligerent. “Mr. Duck started waving his fists in the air,” said Officer Mike Black of the Anaheim PD, “and kept shouting ‘What’s the big idea?’ When I cuffed him, he began screaming a bunch of words I couldn’t understand, but I’m pretty sure at one point he called me a [bleep]ing pig.”
This isn’t the first time that Mr. Duck’s pantsless antics have landed him in hot water. Parents have long expressed concern over the fact that when their small children hug him, their faces are perfectly aligned between his naked thighs. “We have to stop giving celebrities a free pass,” said Officer Black. “I mean, first Roman Polanski, and now this? But look, people. If a grown man wearing only a sailor hat and a bowtie started wandering around an amusement park hugging your children, would you tolerate it? I really don’t think so.”
Pinocchio is the classic tale of a wooden boy who comes to life by the power of magic. It’s similar to Child’s Play, except that the puppet has a father instead of a mother. As the story begins, we learn of Geppetto, an elderly man who lives with a cat and makes toys for children. He models one toy after a small boy and dances with it in his cottage. But this isn’t a story about Megan’s Law; it’s a story about love, honesty, courage, hope and bugs with hats.
“I wish Pinocchio was a real boy,” Geppetto says creepily just before going to bed one night. As he sleeps soundly with his glasses on (in case he needs to read fine print in his dreams, I presume), the Blue Fairy enters through a window and brings the wooden puppet to life. The Blue Fairy wears a sparkling dress, speaks with a Marilyn Monroe voice and is sort of like the tooth fairy, except she doesn’t collect teeth and she doesn’t steal little boy’s souls.
The first person to notice the miracle is Jiminy Cricket, who is different from everyone else in the house, in that his name does not end with the letter O. He is made Pinocchio’s conscience, Geppetto pees himself with excitement, and before long Pinocchio is off to school. He doesn’t make it, however, as he is soon brought to Stromboli, the musical puppet show director who is sort of a cross between Andrew Lloyd Webber and Satan.
Geppetto is brokenhearted over Pinocchio’s disappearance, but his cat Figaro is unfazed as he prepares to eat his fish dinner in front of the pet fish (strangely, the pet fish doesn’t seem to mind). Jiminy, meanwhile, finds Pinocchio in a cage, where he sits and mourns with the imprisoned puppet (as opposed to, like, going for help). But everything is fine when the Blue Fairy sets them free and Pinocchio learns his lesson (not really).
Before long, Pinocchio finds himself getting suckered by the same honest fellow who brought him to Stromboli in the first place, and before you know it, he is on the way to Pleasure Island with a young Danny Bonaduce. The “pleasure” is apparently meant to be ironic, because the kids are all turned into donkeys and sent to the salt mines, and Pinocchio barely escapes with his life. Say what you will about Pleasure Island, it’s still safer than Six Flags.
Pinocchio returns home and finds that Geppetto is not there. He’s out searching for the puppet boy…apparently he checked all of the local malls, movie theaters, and digestive tracts of large mammals, because he and his pets are stuck in the belly of a whale. How delightfully biblical. Pinocchio finds them, the whale sneezes them out, and everybody lives happily ever after.
So what’s the moral of the story? Simple: be a villain. Even if your villainy doesn’t always pay off, you can always try again because there will probably be no consequences for your actions. Stromboli: no consequences for his actions. Honest John and Gideon: no consequences for their actions. The coachman: no consequences for his actions (even after he sends innocent kids into lives of slavery). Let’s hear it for villains!
Disney films are full of great morals and messages, but unfortunately they tend also be full of actions and behaviors that—while appropriate for Fantasy Land—might not fare too well in the real world. A prime example of this phenomenon is Disney’s animated classic “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” the one that started it all.
“Snow White” is about a beautiful young maiden who is perhaps TOO beautiful for her own good (though her high, chirpy voice is insufferable, so one must weigh the pros with the cons). Her stepmother is the queen, but Snow White is nevertheless forced to work as a scullery maid.
One day, the queen learns that she is no longer the fairest beauty in the land. That role has been usurped by none other than her giddy, chirpy-voiced stepdaughter. As a result, the queen sends a huntsman to kill Snow White, rip out her bleeding, throbbing heart and stick it in a box (it was a much different time in children’s entertainment).
The huntsman feels bad for Snow White and sends her away after nearly chopping her up, and everything is okay. Snow White finds that the perfect remedy for having been the victim of attempted murder is to sing a happy song (they should try putting her in the next Saw film, if that’s the case). So feeling good as new, she finds a lovely little house whose inhabitants are not home, and she does what anybody would do: she invites herself inside, cleans the place and crashes in somebody’s bed. She’s initially led to the house by a medley of woodland creatures, who follow her around because either she’s pure of heart, or she hasn’t showered in quite some time.
After her nap, she awakens to find herself surrounded by seven small, bearded men wielding pickaxes. No, it’s still not a horror movie, but you can bet that if that happened to you, you would soil yourself in a heartbeat. In fact, here’s a word of advice to anyone reading: if you ever pass by a house where seven bearded men live together and sing songs, it’s probably a good idea to just keep walking.
Here’s another bit of advice: if you are ever offered a piece of fruit by a shifty old woman who looks and sounds like Joan Rivers in a black cloak, it’s okay to say ‘No thank you.’ Really. Unfortunately, Snow White did not take this advice. Witch offers her an apple, Snow White takes a bite, and then it’s lights out.
So Snow White dies, and the dwarfs don’t have the heart to bury her because she’s just too beautiful. Instead, they place her in a glass casket where she can decompose and become decidedly less beautiful before their very eyes. But wait! There’s more! Her prince comes and reanimates her by simply kissing her! So love wins the day, and everybody lives happily ever.
And if Prince Charming can wake the dead with just a kiss, imagine what he can accomplish in the bedroom.
Over the years, Disney has brought us many inspirational characters, but it has also brought us its share of divas. Here are the top 10:
10) Ariel (The Little Mermaid)
Also known as “the Paris Hilton of the sea,” Ariel loves to collect beautiful, shiny objects that she really doesn’t need and toss them into a giant pile, much like shoes in a socialite’s closet. Ultimately she realizes that her humble ocean world isn’t enough for her, as she trades her moldy seaweed and singing lobsters for bright lights and hunky princes.
9) Princess Jasmine (Aladdin)
“I am not a prize to be won!” she proclaims smugly in the classic film. Okay, that’s actually a fair thing to say, and certainly doesn’t make her a Kardashian sister, but you’d still be hard-pressed to win over a woman who lives in a Disneyland-sized palace and courts princes all day. When your dad is the king and your servants have servants, it’s hard NOT to be a bit of a diva. If she were truly living today, she would SO have her own reality show.
8 ) Gadget (Chip and Dale’s Rescue Rangers)
Gadget is about fifty times more intelligent than Chip and Dale combined…problem is, she doesn’t let them forget it. Always flaunting her superior intellect with fast speech and using her sexual rodent prowess to tease the lovesick chipmunks into a trance, she’s the ultimate unattainable beauty-plus-brains power combo. But I mean, does she have to wear the goggles everywhere she goes? It’s sort of like the cop who never takes off his badge…we get it!
7) The Blue Fairy (Pinocchio)
The Blue Fairy must seriously hate guys. She can increase the size of a male appendage, and she chooses the nose? That’s just mean. Clearly this is a lady who has had her heart broken a time or two. “Let your conscience be your guide, Pinocchio, because if you lie, you will turn into something very ugly, just like my jerk of an ex-boyfriend who SAID he was just working late!”
6) TinkerBell (Peter Pan, Pixie Series)
Do I even need to explain this one? Always pouting, crossing her arms in disapproval, and of course violently defensive of the ten-year-old boy she loves, like a tiny little Jerry Springer contestant. She is the triple threat: beautiful, proud, and literally sweating magic. So let’s face it: if Tink went to your high school, she probably would not let you sit at her table.
5) Lady (Lady and the Tramp)
Lady’s not really a diva. She just thinks she’s better than all the other dogs, what with her fancy collar, gourmet food and house privileges…oh wait, I guess that does make her a bit of a diva. Especially when you consider that even when she finally lets Tramp take her out on the town, he needs fancy Italian food to impress her. Well unfortunately Pedigree doesn’t make Spaghetti Bolognese, so if you plan to impress Lady, you’d better know a guy who can hook you up with the good stuff.
4) The Wicked Queen (Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs)
They don’t get much more vain than the Wicked Queen. This is a woman who stands in front of a magic mirror every single day in order to make sure that she’s still the most beautiful person in the kingdom. When she finds out that she is now #2, she immediately hires a hitman to take care of #1, who also happens to be her own stepdaughter. The Wicked Queen is sort of like the Tonya Harding of the Magic Kingdom, but with a much greater sense of refinement.
3) Jessica Rabbit (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)*
Has there ever been a Disney heroine more certain of her own hotness? Not since Gaston has a character had such an intense superiority complex (and since Jessica Rabbit came around BEFORE Gaston, that’s quite a feat). Completely unafraid to walk into a Disney film dressed like a silicone-enhanced girl gone wild, she’s the ultimate Disney bad girl. Sadly, though, it seems she may have proved too much for the Disney universe, as you don’t usually see her frolicking around the Magic Kingdom alongside Cinderella and Aurora. Go figure.
2) Minnie Mouse (Whatever She Wants)**
Now come on, is there anyone sweeter than Minnie? With her cute pink bow, her schoolgirl giggle and those iconic batting eyelashes? Well, don’t let the whole sweet act fool you. Minnie is a shrewd, calculating businesswoman who knew exactly what it would take to get to the top when she started getting friendly with Walt’s prized protégé Mickey. After almost 70 years as a couple, she still refuses to live in the same house with her supposed “true love.” Kind of suspect, don’t you think? And notice how Mickey is always jumping through hoops trying to impress her, and always buying her things. But perhaps this is a good thing for Mickey. I mean, guys, would you want to marry a woman who looked exactly like you in a dress? That’s just creepy.
Yes, so far all of the names on this list have been female, but one does not need to be female to be classified “diva,” especially when we’re talking about someone who literally SWIMS IN HIS OWN MONEY. Scrooge McDuck once traveled across seven continents, battling abominable snowmen, witchcraft-wielding villains and tribes of headhunters JUST TO GET BACK HIS LUCKY FREAKING DIME. None of the other divas even comes close to this. And did I mention he swims in his own money? He’s also a man about town, with his top hat, cane and spectacles, like a cross between Donald Trump and Mr. Peanut. His hobbies include making money, counting money, and also swimming in his own money. Congratulations, Uncle Scrooge. You’re #1!
The LA Times reports that TinkerBell may be getting a makeover for her new film, “TinkerBell and the Lost Treasure.” The two curiously male filmmakers, director Klay Hall and producer Sean Lurie, have apparently set out to make a more boy-friendly Tink. According to Hall:
We are both guys, and both of us have two sons each. So we come from a boy/man angle on this thing. It was a great challenge. I really welcomed that challenge to take the iconic Tinker Bell and make a great movie with her. Adding the adventure aspect to the movie. And pushing her personality as much as we could. She’s a tomboy, and we went back to that.
So with that in mind, I thought…Tink could definitely become more masculine with a few tweaks. Here are some suggestions:
1) First and foremost, the name “TinkerBell” has to go. Definitely give her a more masculine name, like Llogan.
2) Make her wings more bat-like.
3) Make “Enter Sandman” her theme song. She can fly furiously into the sunset as James Hettfield growls the words “Take my hand…off to Never Never Land!”
4) Have her refer to Peter Pan as “Broseph.”
5) Put her picture on the Muscle Milk container…nothing says “power-lifting” like a blonde fairy in a green dress.
6) Pixie Hollow? I don’t think so. It’s now called The Pit.
7) Forget 1 through 6 and just pretend she’s David Bowie.
Today’s children are sensitive. They must be disciplined by means of positive affirmation, protected with SPF 500 sunblock and shielded from portrayals of films that are too scary.
But this was not always true. There was a time when Disney villains were actually quite evil, some even psychopathic. Here’s a look back at a time when villains were allowed to be villains:
10. Captain Hook (Peter Pan)
Okay, so Hook isn’t the scariest Disney villain to come around, but he did have his hand chopped off by a sword and then eaten by a crocodile, and that certainly earns him a few badness points. If Captain Hook were conceived today, his missing hand would likely be explained as a developmental disability which he bravely overcame so that he could be an inspiration to other evil sea captains.
9. Scar (The Lion King)
A vile lion who enslaves hyenas and murders his brother so that he may ascend to the throne. He even tries to murder his own nephew in pursuit of his selfish goals, never showing the slightest hint of remorse. Almost Shakespearean, don’t you think? Killing is no longer PC, so if Scar were conceived today, he would probably try to seize the throne by tricking his brother into handing it over, or perhaps by convincing Donald Trump that Mufasa is not living up to his commitment as king.
8. Shere Khan (The Jungle Book)
Shere Khan roams the jungle like a James Bond villain in feline form: brilliant, sophisticated, but also deadly. He is feared by all, and he wants to kill the mancub Mowgli just for being human. This was during a simpler time, when a Disney villain didn’t even need a real reason for wanting to shed the protagonist’s blood. No deep psychoanalysis, no sympathetic qualities, just pure, 100% bloodthirsty tiger. If Shere Khan were created today, the poor guy would probably be reduced to following Winnie the Poo around the forest while hopping on his tail.
7. Stromboli (Pinocchio)
Stromboli was quite the kingpin villain: kidnapping…check; enslavement, check…child labor violations, check…unlawful imprisonment, check. If Stromboli were created today, he would probably just “pretend” to lock up the young Pinocchio in order to teach him a valuable lesson about talking to strangers. Then he would set the boy free, the two would laugh and the closing credits would roll as a choir of circus-goers began dancing and singing “We’re All In This Together” from High School Musical.
6. Cruella de Vil (101 Dalmations)
Cruella de Vil didn’t just want to take the cute puppies away…she wanted to take them away so that she could have them killed, skinned and made into fur coats. Kinda sounds like a scene from a horror movie, doesn’t it? Of course, that’s far too horrifying for today’s kids. In the 21st century, Cruella would kidnap the puppies for the sake of cosmetic testing, that is, until the puppies are rescued by the brave Pongo and the fearless Alicia Silverstone.
5. Judge Doom (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)
The movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” could probably make this list by itself just for being thoroughly sick and depraved, but there’s no denying that the film’s villain, Judge Doom, is one psychotic cat. Not many Disney films can boast a serial killer as a villain, but this movie has all that and so much more: a psychotic bad guy who actually wields a chemical mix that can kill cartoon characters on contact…nice!
4. The Gogans (Pete’s Dragon)
The Gogans are the adopted parents of the main character Pete, and as far as villains go, they are absolutely fantastic. How did they get so high on this list? Well, it’s one thing to engage in child abuse, but but to actually sing catchy, upbeat songs about said child abuse is just deranged. This might make them some of the most fantastic villains ever. Check it out:
Here are some actual lyrics from the song:
Gonna snag him, gag him, drag him through town
Put his head in the river, let the punk drown
Trap him, strap him, wrap in a sack
Tie him screaming to a railroad track
Um….yeah. Awesome.
3. The Wicked Queen (Snow White)
Ah, the wicked queen…1937. Queenie was jealous of Snow White, so how did she handle it? By spreading a mean rumor across the high school? No. By trying to steal Snow White’s man? No. By tweeting about how that Snow White is “like, such a loser!?” No. Here’s how she handled it: she told her huntsman the following: “Find Snow White, drag her into the woods, kill her, slice open her chest, pull out her dead bleeding heart, stick it in this box and bring it to me!” (I’m paraphrasing). 1937. And when THAT didn’t work, she said “Fine! If you can’t get the job done, I guess I’ll just have to waste this chick myself.” And THAT’S when the story starts to turn dark (because up to this point, we haven’t even really introduced the witchcraft element yet).
2. Claude Frollo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)
The Hunchback of Notre Dame is probably the last truly brave Disney film to be released. It has an isolated hunchback who communicates with stone gargoyles in order to cope with his paralyzing loneliness; it has debauchery on the streets of Paris; it has a gypsy who seems to enjoy turning tricks…and then there is Claude Frollo. Frollo is a Catholic priest, which alone could earn him a spot on this list, but his signature song “Hellfire” nearly earned him the #1 spot on this list. Here are some lyrics from Hellfire:
Protect me, Maria
Don’t let this siren cast her spell
Don’t let her fire sear my flesh and bone
Destroy Esmeralda
And let her taste the fires of hell
Or else let her be mine and mine alone
Hellfire, dark fire
Now gypsy, it’s your turn
Choose me or your pyre
Be mine or you will burn
No, that’s not Marilyn Manson singing, that’s Claude Frollo. Believe it or not, Hellfire is not available on any of the Disney Sing-Along DVDs. But check it out for yourself:
1. Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Maleficent is not only the ultimate Disney villain, she’s one of the great cinematic villains of all time. The self-proclaimed “mistress of all evil” who uses the powers of Hell to curse the princess Aurora to death, she’s capable of shape-shifting, casting spells and teleporting herself at will, and she’s known to condemn people to death just for insulting her pride.
Plus, there’s overwhelming evidence that she is most definitely Satan’s daughter. She wears a black gown with bat wings and devil horns, she’s accustomed to using witchcraft, she is constantly in the company of demonic minions and her “pet” is a creepy raven named Diablo. As the brave prince rushes toward her with the hopes of rescuing his beloved Aurora, Maleficent shouts “Now shall you deal with me, oh prince, and all the powers of Hell.” Immediately thereafter, she turns into a dragon. So there you have it, proof positive that Maleficent is not only the last Disney villain you ever want to mess with, but she was actually spawned by the Prince of Darkness.
And as if that weren’t enough, Merriam Webster Online defines “maleficent” as “working or productive of harm or evil.” So although Walt Disney has given us a number of very twisted villains, Satan’s daughter definitely takes the #1 spot.
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