LOS ANGELES — Disney executives made a stunning announcement today when they revealed that the highly-anticipated Camp Rock sequel, entitled ‘Camp Rock: The Final Jam,’ will take place at Camp Crystal Lake. Movie buffs know Camp Crystal Lake as the site of the ‘Friday the 13th’ series, where deranged serial killer Jason Voorhees slaughters his unsuspecting victims.

“We thought it would be fun to mix it up a little,” an anonymous Disney exec told Beyond the Mouse. “So I said, hey, how about we put the kids in a camp with a bloodthirsty killer. He can kill off some of the characters and sing a few musical numbers with the cast.”

No word if Demi Lovato’s character will have her head chopped off in the movie, but sources are saying that the Jonas Brothers are almost certain to find themselves hanging lifelessly from cabin closets, pools of fresh blood beneath their feet.

“We realize it’s a controversial idea,” the executive told us, “but we feel that it’s important to stop condescending to kids and start desensitizing them early on. It’s a cautionary tale. They need to know that any one of them could be the victim of a heinous chainsaw killing at any time, whether they’re at school trying to study, at home trying to sleep, or at Chuck E Cheese just trying to have a good time.

“In today’s world you are never, ever safe, and kids need to be constantly thinking about that.”

NEW YORK — An Arab immigrant is suing the Federal Aviation Adminstration after a recent incident at La Guardia Airport. The plaintiff, known only as Jafar, claims that he was harassed and interrogated after being selected for a random baggage check while preparing to board a flight.

“I have clearly been the victim of racial profiling and discrimination,” Jafar told the Associated Press. “I only wished to be left alone so I could embark upon my flight to Minnesota to meet my Internet girlfriend. But alas, before I even passed the x-ray machine, I found myself accosted by unworthy airport security guards, who began asking me absurd questions like ‘Where is Osama bin Laden?’ and ‘Weren’t you on an episode of 24?’”

The security guards have a much different account, however. They claim that Jafar became belligerent with an airline employee because she couldn’t upgrade him to first class, and several witnesses claim that at one point, he even threatened to decimate the entire Starbucks staff after having to wait more than five minutes for a Frappuccino.”He was incredibly difficult from the beginning,” said one guard, “and on top of that, his passport was a fake. Said he came from some place called ‘Agrabah,’ which quite simply doesn’t exist.”

However Jafar’s attorney, F. Lee Baily, contends that these accusations are baseless. “This is just classic racial profiling,” he said in a press conference. “I dream of a day when people will judge my client by his character, and not by his appearance, nor by the fact that he has attempted to enslave the entire world on more than one occasion.”

ANAHEIM — Famed cartoon curmudgeon Donald Duck was arrested today after authorites received obscenity complaints from several guests at the Disney Resort in Anaheim. “It just sickens me,” said Mary Ballard, who filed one of the formal complaints. “You can’t even take your kids to Disneyland anymore without having to see this smut.”

The complaints stemmed from the fact that the duck was completely exposed from the waist down, wearing only a shirt and a hat. When police apprehended him, he reportedly became belligerent. “Mr. Duck started waving his fists in the air,” said Officer Mike Black of the Anaheim PD, “and kept shouting ‘What’s the big idea?’ When I cuffed him, he began screaming a bunch of words I couldn’t understand, but I’m pretty sure at one point he called me a [bleep]ing pig.”

This isn’t the first time that Mr. Duck’s pantsless antics have landed him in hot water. Parents have long expressed concern over the fact that when their small children hug him, their faces are perfectly aligned between his naked thighs. “We have to stop giving celebrities a free pass,” said Officer Black. “I mean, first Roman Polanski, and now this? But look, people. If a grown man wearing only a sailor hat and a bowtie started wandering around an amusement park hugging your children, would you tolerate it? I really don’t think so.”

Bail for Mr. Duck is set at $10,000.

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