Pinocchio is the classic tale of a wooden boy who comes to life by the power of magic. It’s similar to Child’s Play, except that the puppet has a father instead of a mother. As the story begins, we learn of Geppetto, an elderly man who lives with a cat and makes toys for children. He models one toy after a small boy and dances with it in his cottage. But this isn’t a story about Megan’s Law; it’s a story about love, honesty, courage, hope and bugs with hats.

“I wish Pinocchio was a real boy,” Geppetto says creepily just before going to bed one night. As he sleeps soundly with his glasses on (in case he needs to read fine print in his dreams, I presume), the Blue Fairy enters through a window and brings the wooden puppet to life. The Blue Fairy wears a sparkling dress, speaks with a Marilyn Monroe voice and is sort of like the tooth fairy, except she doesn’t collect teeth and she doesn’t steal little boy’s souls.

The first person to notice the miracle is Jiminy Cricket, who is different from everyone else in the house, in that his name does not end with the letter O. He is made Pinocchio’s conscience, Geppetto pees himself with excitement, and before long Pinocchio is off to school. He doesn’t make it, however, as he is soon brought to Stromboli, the musical puppet show director who is sort of a cross between Andrew Lloyd Webber and Satan.

Geppetto is brokenhearted over Pinocchio’s disappearance, but his cat Figaro is unfazed as he prepares to eat his fish dinner in front of the pet fish (strangely, the pet fish doesn’t seem to mind). Jiminy, meanwhile, finds Pinocchio in a cage, where he sits and mourns with the imprisoned puppet (as opposed to, like, going for help). But everything is fine when the Blue Fairy sets them free and Pinocchio learns his lesson (not really).

Before long, Pinocchio finds himself getting suckered by the same honest fellow who brought him to Stromboli in the first place, and before you know it, he is on the way to Pleasure Island with a young Danny Bonaduce. The “pleasure” is apparently meant to be ironic, because the kids are all turned into donkeys and sent to the salt mines, and Pinocchio barely escapes with his life. Say what you will about Pleasure Island, it’s still safer than Six Flags.

Pinocchio returns home and finds that Geppetto is not there. He’s out searching for the puppet boy…apparently he checked all of the local malls, movie theaters, and digestive tracts of large mammals, because he and his pets are stuck in the belly of a whale. How delightfully biblical. Pinocchio finds them, the whale sneezes them out, and everybody lives happily ever after.

So what’s the moral of the story? Simple: be a villain. Even if your villainy doesn’t always pay off, you can always try again because there will probably be no consequences for your actions. Stromboli: no consequences for his actions. Honest John and Gideon: no consequences for their actions. The coachman: no consequences for his actions (even after he sends innocent kids into lives of slavery). Let’s hear it for villains!

But this was not always true. There was a time when Disney villains were actually quite evil, some even psychopathic. Here’s a look back at a time when villains were allowed to be villains:

10. Captain Hook (Peter Pan)

Okay, so Hook isn’t the scariest Disney villain to come around, but he did have his hand chopped off by a sword and then eaten by a crocodile, and that certainly earns him a few badness points. If Captain Hook were conceived today, his missing hand would likely be explained as a developmental disability which he bravely overcame so that he could be an inspiration to other evil sea captains.

9. Scar (The Lion King)

A vile lion who enslaves hyenas and murders his brother so that he may ascend to the throne. He even tries to murder his own nephew in pursuit of his selfish goals, never showing the slightest hint of remorse. Almost Shakespearean, don’t you think? Killing is no longer PC, so if Scar were conceived today, he would probably try to seize the throne by tricking his brother into handing it over, or perhaps by convincing Donald Trump that Mufasa is not living up to his commitment as king.

8. Shere Khan (The Jungle Book)

Shere Khan roams the jungle like a James Bond villain in feline form: brilliant, sophisticated, but also deadly. He is feared by all, and he wants to kill the mancub Mowgli just for being human. This was during a simpler time, when a Disney villain didn’t even need a real reason for wanting to shed the protagonist’s blood. No deep psychoanalysis, no sympathetic qualities, just pure, 100% bloodthirsty tiger. If Shere Khan were created today, the poor guy would probably be reduced to following Winnie the Poo around the forest while hopping on his tail.

7. Stromboli (Pinocchio)

Stromboli was quite the kingpin villain: kidnapping…check; enslavement, check…child labor violations, check…unlawful imprisonment, check. If Stromboli were created today, he would probably just “pretend” to lock up the young Pinocchio in order to teach him a valuable lesson about talking to strangers. Then he would set the boy free, the two would laugh and the closing credits would roll as a choir of circus-goers began dancing and singing “We’re All In This Together” from High School Musical.

6. Cruella de Vil (101 Dalmations)

Cruella de Vil didn’t just want to take the cute puppies away…she wanted to take them away so that she could have them killed, skinned and made into fur coats. Kinda sounds like a scene from a horror movie, doesn’t it? Of course, that’s far too horrifying for today’s kids. In the 21st century, Cruella would kidnap the puppies for the sake of cosmetic testing, that is, until the puppies are rescued by the brave Pongo and the fearless Alicia Silverstone.

5. Judge Doom (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)

The movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” could probably make this list by itself just for being thoroughly sick and depraved, but there’s no denying that the film’s villain, Judge Doom, is one psychotic cat. Not many Disney films can boast a serial killer as a villain, but this movie has all that and so much more: a psychotic bad guy who actually wields a chemical mix that can kill cartoon characters on contact…nice!

4. The Gogans (Pete’s Dragon)

The Gogans are the adopted parents of the main character Pete, and as far as villains go, they are absolutely fantastic. How did they get so high on this list? Well, it’s one thing to engage in child abuse, but but to actually sing catchy, upbeat songs about said child abuse is just deranged. This might make them some of the most fantastic villains ever. Check it out:

Here are some actual lyrics from the song:

Gonna snag him, gag him, drag him through town
Put his head in the river, let the punk drown
Trap him, strap him, wrap in a sack
Tie him screaming to a railroad track

Um….yeah. Awesome.

3. The Wicked Queen (Snow White)

Ah, the wicked queen…1937. Queenie was jealous of Snow White, so how did she handle it? By spreading a mean rumor across the high school? No. By trying to steal Snow White’s man? No. By tweeting about how that Snow White is “like, such a loser!?” No. Here’s how she handled it: she told her huntsman the following: “Find Snow White, drag her into the woods, kill her, slice open her chest, pull out her dead bleeding heart, stick it in this box and bring it to me!” (I’m paraphrasing). 1937. And when THAT didn’t work, she said “Fine! If you can’t get the job done, I guess I’ll just have to waste this chick myself.” And THAT’S when the story starts to turn dark (because up to this point, we haven’t even really introduced the witchcraft element yet).

2. Claude Frollo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

The Hunchback of Notre Dame is probably the last truly brave Disney film to be released. It has an isolated hunchback who communicates with stone gargoyles in order to cope with his paralyzing loneliness; it has debauchery on the streets of Paris; it has a gypsy who seems to enjoy turning tricks…and then there is Claude Frollo. Frollo is a Catholic priest, which alone could earn him a spot on this list, but his signature song “Hellfire” nearly earned him the #1 spot on this list. Here are some lyrics from Hellfire:

Protect me, Maria
Don’t let this siren cast her spell
Don’t let her fire sear my flesh and bone
Destroy Esmeralda
And let her taste the fires of hell
Or else let her be mine and mine alone
Hellfire, dark fire
Now gypsy, it’s your turn
Choose me or your pyre
Be mine or you will burn

No, that’s not Marilyn Manson singing, that’s Claude Frollo. Believe it or not, Hellfire is not available on any of the Disney Sing-Along DVDs. But check it out for yourself:

1. Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Maleficent is not only the ultimate Disney villain, she’s one of the great cinematic villains of all time. The self-proclaimed “mistress of all evil” who uses the powers of Hell to curse the princess Aurora to death, she’s capable of shape-shifting, casting spells and teleporting herself at will, and she’s known to condemn people to death just for insulting her pride.

Plus, there’s overwhelming evidence that she is most definitely Satan’s daughter. She wears a black gown with bat wings and devil horns, she’s accustomed to using witchcraft, she is constantly in the company of demonic minions and her “pet” is a creepy raven named Diablo. As the brave prince rushes toward her with the hopes of rescuing his beloved Aurora, Maleficent shouts “Now shall you deal with me, oh prince, and all the powers of Hell.” Immediately thereafter, she turns into a dragon. So there you have it, proof positive that Maleficent is not only the last Disney villain you ever want to mess with, but she was actually spawned by the Prince of Darkness.

And as if that weren’t enough, Merriam Webster Online defines “maleficent” as “working or productive of harm or evil.” So although Walt Disney has given us a number of very twisted villains, Satan’s daughter definitely takes the #1 spot.