Snow White is new and improved…now with antioxidants!

The Press Association reports that Disney’s classic animated diva Snow White has been reimagined in fruit form. Prudence Staite, identified as a “fruit artist,” used fourteen different types of apples to recreate six scenes from the classic film ‘Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.’

“Snow White is the ultimate time enduring classic,” Staite told the Press Association. “So it was fantastic to play around with such well-known, iconic imagery. The apple is such a big part of the story, it seemed right to use it to recreate some of the Disney magic in the works.”

Perhaps this is the solution to America’s obesity epidemic. Make healthy foods more fun and artistic. If Ms. Staite can make the Jonas Brothers out of brussell sprouts, America’s teenage girls will be the healthiest on the planet.

Disney films are full of great morals and messages, but unfortunately they tend also be full of actions and behaviors that—while appropriate for Fantasy Land—might not fare too well in the real world. A prime example of this phenomenon is Disney’s animated classic “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” the one that started it all.

“Snow White” is about a beautiful young maiden who is perhaps TOO beautiful for her own good (though her high, chirpy voice is insufferable, so one must weigh the pros with the cons). Her stepmother is the queen, but Snow White is nevertheless forced to work as a scullery maid.

One day, the queen learns that she is no longer the fairest beauty in the land. That role has been usurped by none other than her giddy, chirpy-voiced stepdaughter. As a result, the queen sends a huntsman to kill Snow White, rip out her bleeding, throbbing heart and stick it in a box (it was a much different time in children’s entertainment).

The huntsman feels bad for Snow White and sends her away after nearly chopping her up, and everything is okay. Snow White finds that the perfect remedy for having been the victim of attempted murder is to sing a happy song (they should try putting her in the next Saw film, if that’s the case). So feeling good as new, she finds a lovely little house whose inhabitants are not home, and she does what anybody would do: she invites herself inside, cleans the place and crashes in somebody’s bed. She’s initially led to the house by a medley of woodland creatures, who follow her around because either she’s pure of heart, or she hasn’t showered in quite some time.

After her nap, she awakens to find herself surrounded by seven small, bearded men wielding pickaxes. No, it’s still not a horror movie, but you can bet that if that happened to you, you would soil yourself in a heartbeat. In fact, here’s a word of advice to anyone reading: if you ever pass by a house where seven bearded men live together and sing songs, it’s probably a good idea to just keep walking.

Here’s another bit of advice: if you are ever offered a piece of fruit by a shifty old woman who looks and sounds like Joan Rivers in a black cloak, it’s okay to say ‘No thank you.’ Really. Unfortunately, Snow White did not take this advice. Witch offers her an apple, Snow White takes a bite, and then it’s lights out.

So Snow White dies, and the dwarfs don’t have the heart to bury her because she’s just too beautiful. Instead, they place her in a glass casket where she can decompose and become decidedly less beautiful before their very eyes. But wait! There’s more! Her prince comes and reanimates her by simply kissing her! So love wins the day, and everybody lives happily ever.

And if Prince Charming can wake the dead with just a kiss, imagine what he can accomplish in the bedroom.

No, it’s not a deleted scene from “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs,” nor is it “True Hollywood Story: Snow White.” Pictured above is a new advertisement from Jamieson’s Raspberry Ale, featuring a cast of animated characters who (completely by coincidence) closely resemble some classic Disney icons. Snow White couldn’t be reached for comment, but we’re pretty sure she’s less than flattered by her promiscuous “Ho White” counterpart.

The dwarves were given names like Filthy, Smarmy and Randy, and the whole purpose of the campaign, according to Sky News Online, is to “convince Australian drinkers that the fruit-flavoured beer was ‘anything but sweet.’”

Word on the street is that Disney is not at all happy with the campaign, because although imitation is the sincerest form of flattery, there are apparently lines that one can cross (see above photo for “the line”). The Foundry (creators of the campaign) claims to have spoken with Disney on the matter, and all of their links to the campaign have reportedly been disabled.

So it looks like either Disney laid the smack down, or Snow White demanded her private tapes back.

Disney’s 70th anniversary edition of “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” reached the top sales spot in its first week, according to The Hollywood Reporter. The film beat out Dreamworks Animation’s “Monsters vs. Aliens,” which held the #1 spot last week and now sits at #2. Snow White has long been a popular sell for Disney. When it was first released on DVD eight years ago, it set a new one-day sales record of one million units.

Originally released in 1938, “Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs” was the very first Disney full-length animated feature. Several generations later, children are still captivated by Snow White’s story, with its wicked queen and handsome prince, singing dwarfs and memorable melodies. The film is definitely historic, but its recent 70th anniversary release is historic in its own right: it represents a shift in the DVD/Blu-Ray paradigm. Rather than releasing a standard DVD, Disney has opted to release this new restoration as a Blu-Ray set with a DVD included. In other words, if you haven’t yet made the Blu Ray switch, you can still get the new Snow White, but you’ll have to pay the Blu-Ray price.

Personally I have mixed feelings about this, but one thing is undeniable: the medium is indeed changing. Are DVDs slowly going the way of VHS tapes? It is beginning to appear so.

Today’s children are sensitive. They must be disciplined by means of positive affirmation, protected with SPF 500 sunblock and shielded from portrayals of films that are too scary.

But this was not always true. There was a time when Disney villains were actually quite evil, some even psychopathic. Here’s a look back at a time when villains were allowed to be villains:

10. Captain Hook (Peter Pan)

Okay, so Hook isn’t the scariest Disney villain to come around, but he did have his hand chopped off by a sword and then eaten by a crocodile, and that certainly earns him a few badness points. If Captain Hook were conceived today, his missing hand would likely be explained as a developmental disability which he bravely overcame so that he could be an inspiration to other evil sea captains.

9. Scar (The Lion King)

A vile lion who enslaves hyenas and murders his brother so that he may ascend to the throne. He even tries to murder his own nephew in pursuit of his selfish goals, never showing the slightest hint of remorse. Almost Shakespearean, don’t you think? Killing is no longer PC, so if Scar were conceived today, he would probably try to seize the throne by tricking his brother into handing it over, or perhaps by convincing Donald Trump that Mufasa is not living up to his commitment as king.

8. Shere Khan (The Jungle Book)

Shere Khan roams the jungle like a James Bond villain in feline form: brilliant, sophisticated, but also deadly. He is feared by all, and he wants to kill the mancub Mowgli just for being human. This was during a simpler time, when a Disney villain didn’t even need a real reason for wanting to shed the protagonist’s blood. No deep psychoanalysis, no sympathetic qualities, just pure, 100% bloodthirsty tiger. If Shere Khan were created today, the poor guy would probably be reduced to following Winnie the Poo around the forest while hopping on his tail.

7. Stromboli (Pinocchio)

Stromboli was quite the kingpin villain: kidnapping…check; enslavement, check…child labor violations, check…unlawful imprisonment, check. If Stromboli were created today, he would probably just “pretend” to lock up the young Pinocchio in order to teach him a valuable lesson about talking to strangers. Then he would set the boy free, the two would laugh and the closing credits would roll as a choir of circus-goers began dancing and singing “We’re All In This Together” from High School Musical.

6. Cruella de Vil (101 Dalmations)

Cruella de Vil didn’t just want to take the cute puppies away…she wanted to take them away so that she could have them killed, skinned and made into fur coats. Kinda sounds like a scene from a horror movie, doesn’t it? Of course, that’s far too horrifying for today’s kids. In the 21st century, Cruella would kidnap the puppies for the sake of cosmetic testing, that is, until the puppies are rescued by the brave Pongo and the fearless Alicia Silverstone.

5. Judge Doom (Who Framed Roger Rabbit?)

The movie “Who Framed Roger Rabbit” could probably make this list by itself just for being thoroughly sick and depraved, but there’s no denying that the film’s villain, Judge Doom, is one psychotic cat. Not many Disney films can boast a serial killer as a villain, but this movie has all that and so much more: a psychotic bad guy who actually wields a chemical mix that can kill cartoon characters on contact…nice!

4. The Gogans (Pete’s Dragon)

The Gogans are the adopted parents of the main character Pete, and as far as villains go, they are absolutely fantastic. How did they get so high on this list? Well, it’s one thing to engage in child abuse, but but to actually sing catchy, upbeat songs about said child abuse is just deranged. This might make them some of the most fantastic villains ever. Check it out:

Here are some actual lyrics from the song:

Gonna snag him, gag him, drag him through town
Put his head in the river, let the punk drown
Trap him, strap him, wrap in a sack
Tie him screaming to a railroad track

Um….yeah. Awesome.

3. The Wicked Queen (Snow White)

Ah, the wicked queen…1937. Queenie was jealous of Snow White, so how did she handle it? By spreading a mean rumor across the high school? No. By trying to steal Snow White’s man? No. By tweeting about how that Snow White is “like, such a loser!?” No. Here’s how she handled it: she told her huntsman the following: “Find Snow White, drag her into the woods, kill her, slice open her chest, pull out her dead bleeding heart, stick it in this box and bring it to me!” (I’m paraphrasing). 1937. And when THAT didn’t work, she said “Fine! If you can’t get the job done, I guess I’ll just have to waste this chick myself.” And THAT’S when the story starts to turn dark (because up to this point, we haven’t even really introduced the witchcraft element yet).

2. Claude Frollo (The Hunchback of Notre Dame)

The Hunchback of Notre Dame is probably the last truly brave Disney film to be released. It has an isolated hunchback who communicates with stone gargoyles in order to cope with his paralyzing loneliness; it has debauchery on the streets of Paris; it has a gypsy who seems to enjoy turning tricks…and then there is Claude Frollo. Frollo is a Catholic priest, which alone could earn him a spot on this list, but his signature song “Hellfire” nearly earned him the #1 spot on this list. Here are some lyrics from Hellfire:

Protect me, Maria
Don’t let this siren cast her spell
Don’t let her fire sear my flesh and bone
Destroy Esmeralda
And let her taste the fires of hell
Or else let her be mine and mine alone
Hellfire, dark fire
Now gypsy, it’s your turn
Choose me or your pyre
Be mine or you will burn

No, that’s not Marilyn Manson singing, that’s Claude Frollo. Believe it or not, Hellfire is not available on any of the Disney Sing-Along DVDs. But check it out for yourself:

1. Maleficent (Sleeping Beauty)

Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. Maleficent is not only the ultimate Disney villain, she’s one of the great cinematic villains of all time. The self-proclaimed “mistress of all evil” who uses the powers of Hell to curse the princess Aurora to death, she’s capable of shape-shifting, casting spells and teleporting herself at will, and she’s known to condemn people to death just for insulting her pride.

Plus, there’s overwhelming evidence that she is most definitely Satan’s daughter. She wears a black gown with bat wings and devil horns, she’s accustomed to using witchcraft, she is constantly in the company of demonic minions and her “pet” is a creepy raven named Diablo. As the brave prince rushes toward her with the hopes of rescuing his beloved Aurora, Maleficent shouts “Now shall you deal with me, oh prince, and all the powers of Hell.” Immediately thereafter, she turns into a dragon. So there you have it, proof positive that Maleficent is not only the last Disney villain you ever want to mess with, but she was actually spawned by the Prince of Darkness.

And as if that weren’t enough, Merriam Webster Online defines “maleficent” as “working or productive of harm or evil.” So although Walt Disney has given us a number of very twisted villains, Satan’s daughter definitely takes the #1 spot.